Hey everybody, Lou Siffer here, that silver tongued devil you all know too well, star of such favorites as The Bible, and The Bible II: New Testament. I’m here today to let you in on the next hot tourist destination: Hell™!
Located at the end of the River Styx, this warm resort destination’s got everything. After a scenic boat tour to arrive our iconic red, rocky, shores, you’ll be checked in to a towering nine-story complex that houses our guests, who hail from all walks of life. Thanks to an extensive personal history questionnaire that you’ll take upon check-in, you can be assured that you’ll spend your stay here with people well-suited to your personality and interests.
There’s an endless landscape out here that awaits your exploration, complete with volcanos, “oceans”*, valleys, and mountains, and when you’re done for the day, you can unwind at our outdoor gym, where our head trainer, Sisyphus, is on call 24/7 to meet your physical needs. Relax those muscles at the hot springs, which draw rave reviews from all around. You won’t find anything like them anywhere else, we promise.
Come observe the vast array of exotic wildlife, exclusive to the Underworld – demons, unspeakable terrors and so much more. We haven’t even mentioned the seductive succubi that walk the streets. They simply are to die for.
An indefinite stay here could be yours for the low, low price of your mortal soul. Financially speaking, that’s almost free!
BUT! There’s more…if you order your vacation in the next fifteen minutes, we’ll throw in a CD featuring the spiritually-stirring sounds of 2H: Hades and Hecate, a best seller in this area since the beginning of time! It just doesn’t get better than that. You can’t afford to miss this deal, folks, and our three operators are eternally standing by.
What are you waiting for?
Come visit Hell™, and spend your afterlife with us™!
*- may only contain “ocean-like” substances.